Apocalypse: Best Diet Ever?

So here's the thing about eating after the apocalypse: the food is great. However, I've learned a very important thing about myself. If I can't order it or make it in a microwave, I rather just not eat.

It's not like these are complicated dishes to make. You just have to boil water and dump the stuff in the pot, stirring occassionally. I can cook, but much like work, I kind of have to be in the mood to make it happen. You'd be suprised how infrequently that happens. So aside from the bag of chocolates my mom sent me for Christmas that I DID NOT OPEN EARLY and the case of Diet Coke in my fridge, I haven't really had anything.

Last night I made broccoli cheese soup and today I made mashed potatoes, but seeing as I'll have to wash our one pot in order to make more provisions, I'm probably not going to make much else today. The freeze-dried broccoli and fruit is pretty good straight out of the can though.

Thanks for leaving me out in the cold, Twinkies. Apparently you were my only shot at survival. At least now I know that a month's worth of food will last me at least three months.

The End is Here!

Our doomsday supplies have arrived! We were starting to wonder if they would make it before disaster struck, but by the power of Fedex it looks like we’re going to be able to survive. It’s a Christmas miracle!

My adventure partner unloaded all 150 pounds of supplies into our house while I offered helpful suggestions such as “Be careful,” and “Don’t drop it!” Once middle management, always middle management.

We unwrapped the first box and stared at our supplies in all their majesty:

"Emergency Storage" just adds to the excitement!

The box proudly proclaims that unopened, they’re good for 30 years. I’m still under the impression that everything good in life dies when it turns 30 so it’s reassuring to see that a doomsday prepper company embraces my life view.

Upon inspecting the box, I quickly realized that I am unprepared for the apocalypse. Even after living in England, where I developed the glowing complexion of a pre-glittered vampire, I’m not white enough to be a part of this family:

All of our friends and loved ones are dead! Smile!

I can only assume they bathe in the dehydrated potato soup mix to be that pale. Also, what happened to the little girl in this picture? Is she actually bearing witness to the end of times during the photo op?

I brushed aside the inevitable nightmares that picture will bring while my adventure partner unpacked the goods in our bunker.

So many options!

We started off the day with potato cakes, which were surprisingly not bad. Also, they sit heavy in your stomach. One serving was more than filling, and once I drank my glass of Chocolate Morning Moo’s I immediately regretted cleaning my plate. But it’s the apocalypse, dammit! There’s no time for wasting food! Seriously though, I feel like a bird full of wedding rice.

At any rate, we’re off to a good start in our safe house and I’m going to work on a paper now, just in case the world doesn’t end.